Damnation and Blessing

It's been one month. I have been asking myself the same question. Again and again. For Thirty days.

Habit? Or something else?

Every encounter either make me feel happy for one whole day, or down for one whole day. It is my failure in controlling my emotion, or maybe I am trying to control something which is impossible to contain anyway? Like wild fire spreading and burning, just this one has unlimited fuel which constantly get refreshed again and again.

Am I hoping that the fire will go out eventually like the forest fire in Australia last time? Uncontrollable at that time, yes, but still go out after some time?

No, it does not seemed that way. Not even after one month, anyway.

I wait. I watch. I be patient.
I frust. I miss. I stress.

It's one big dose of damnation and blessing at the same time. It shows me how I am a guy who make others my center of life. It shows me how stubborn I could be in such matter. And yet with all that obstacles and seemingly impossible path, I choose to suffer, I rather suffer. Because I know there's a chance.

If I fail, it will still worth it. Because it's even more not worth it if I missed a chance to pursue something I want. And I know how badly I yearn for that one.