Damnation and Blessing

It's been one month. I have been asking myself the same question. Again and again. For Thirty days.

Habit? Or something else?

Every encounter either make me feel happy for one whole day, or down for one whole day. It is my failure in controlling my emotion, or maybe I am trying to control something which is impossible to contain anyway? Like wild fire spreading and burning, just this one has unlimited fuel which constantly get refreshed again and again.

Am I hoping that the fire will go out eventually like the forest fire in Australia last time? Uncontrollable at that time, yes, but still go out after some time?

No, it does not seemed that way. Not even after one month, anyway.

I wait. I watch. I be patient.
I frust. I miss. I stress.

It's one big dose of damnation and blessing at the same time. It shows me how I am a guy who make others my center of life. It shows me how stubborn I could be in such matter. And yet with all that obstacles and seemingly impossible path, I choose to suffer, I rather suffer. Because I know there's a chance.

If I fail, it will still worth it. Because it's even more not worth it if I missed a chance to pursue something I want. And I know how badly I yearn for that one.

One bad habit

I was told it is just a habit. I was told that it will fade after time if I just leave it. I was told I will think differently if I was to continue acting normally like last time.

Of course things fade if you stop trying, stop practicing and stop giving it attention. It may take weeks, or maybe years, or maybe more than that, but the thing's for sure is it will fade.

But how the hell do I have the chance to be normal again?  The NORMAL which is defined by you all anyway. Being a stranger? I don't think so. Even I can ignore when I meet, or even purposely get of of the way, the heart inside me is under torture. It's screaming at me so loud that sometimes I wonder whether it will  break.

And that's this: habit. Why on earth is a habit paining me like nothing else? I have been a video gamer since seven years old, and yet I don't feel such a withdrawal symptoms before. Every sight or word that could have been related to the habit make me suffocate, make me wanna scream out in agony.

Yet to preserve something I treasured I said it was just a habit. I told people that it's okay, I realized it now. It's just a habit, I will get over it, no big deal.

But it's not working either, it seems that I am still losing it all the same....

Sometimes I question myself whether this "habit" will worn out or when it will as excruciating pain penetrate my heart like a dagger.

Then I swallow my tears and tell myself: "No big deal, it's just a habit."

Although I know better.